Gift of Life

Nine years ago I was in a hospital bed, IV's coming out of my arms, monitor wrapped around my belly, so medicated I didn't comprehend the severity of the situation. My blood pressure had gone sky high with no way of controlling it. My baby, who we didn't plan for, who we were completely unprepared for, who was really an inconvenience at that time, was under stress, not growing.

After a day in a half of failure to induce a new doctor checked me over. He explained that she wasn't growing because my blood pressure was so high. They would need to do an emergency c-section.

I looked at my 4 pound 6 ounce baby and thanked God for this life I didn't realized I wanted so badly.

The next few years proved to be challenging. Not only did we not know what we were doing but add in there the fact that Emily wasn't growing like she should, her waking up every hour screaming like she was in pain and doctors telling me there was nothing wrong with her, that I just needed to feed her more and let her cry herself to sleep. It was a very lonely place. My life had gone from being inconvenienced by pregnancy to being a psychotic, angry at the world for not listening to me mother. She was all that mattered. This life I never asked for was all that mattered.

Finally, after almost 3 years of doctor after doctor telling me I was just paranoid, after almost 3 years of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time, after almost 3 years of praying to God, begging Him not to take her, we found an answer. I was not paranoid. I was not overreacting. I was not just being overprotective and coddling her. She needed open heart surgery or she would die. The cardiologist told us that it was a miracle she had lived so long.

I stepped into a journey with this unplanned child. Through her I have learned that God's plans are far better than mine. How easy it would have been when I was pregnant to do the testing. They would have told me that my child was not perfect. That there was something wrong with her heart. They would have suggested that I abort her. Their rational being that she would always have this. That there would be too much heart ache involved. Just like when my mother was pregnant with me. The doctors said she was too high risk being 35 years old. That she should abort me. That there would be something wrong with me if she gave me life.

What if I had thrown this life away because she wasn't perfect? We certainly wouldn't have to doctors bills that we have. We wouldn't have the visits to Kansas City, the worry that her pacemaker isn't working right.

We also wouldn't have a daughter. We would have an emptiness that wouldn't go away. No matter what people would say, no matter how they would justify it, that emptiness would be there.

Instead I chose to take what God gave me. My God I'm glad I did. I have been asked, if I could go back and change what had happened, would I? Absolutely not. We all have a journey through this life. We get to choose how we handle it. My choice has taught me how to LIVE. It has taught me how to LOVE. Mostly it has taught me "that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." (Romans 8:28)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

The Least of These

I spent several hours this afternoon shopping in Kansas City for stuff to put in the kids' Easter baskets. I treated myself to a Starbucks sweetened black iced tea and was enjoying driving around the city with the window's down and the wind blowing my hair, listening to Air 1. It was the perfect afternoon.

It was getting close to time for dinner so I pulled into the Hyvee to pick up some Chinese food for Matthew's grandparents. As I turned into the parking lot, there stood a man with jeans, a t-shirt and graying hair. He held a sign. "Homeless will work for food".

Everything in me wanted to drive by him. Forget him. Get on with my perfect evening.

I could not.

Oh God! I started praying. What am I suppose to do?! I'm by myself. He could be doing this for a living. How do I even know he's really homeless?

God, do you really expect me to give him something?

Yes.

So with shaky knees I picked out a box of granola bars and a bottled water. I headed for the check out. I paid and started for the car. My heart was pounding. You see, the homeless have always intimidated me. I'm terrified of rejection from these people Jesus cared so much about. I realize this makes no sense. I got in the car and could hear the Lord saying Money. Give him money.

Sigh. Really God? We don't have much of that. 

I opened my wallet to see what was left. $10. OK I could give him a five.

Give it all.

Oh Lord. you're so funny. I wont have anything left!

Give it all.

With my pulse pounding in my head I drove up to the man and rolled down the window. As I looked into this man's eyes, a man who was about my daddy's age, all fear left. I instantly wanted to tell him to get in the car and come have dinner with us. But I'm not at home and I really couldn't do that to Matthew's grandparents.

I handed him the bag with the granola bars in it and then told him that God had told me to give him this $10. He looked at the money for a moment and then back at me. He thanked me and said he would have a place to sleep tonight. The shelter charged $10.

My nature is to think this man was lying to me. Lying to everyone with his sign. I know there are people who do this for a living who make far more than Matthew does. I know there are people who are trying to steal their way through life. God's nature is to love those who are forgotten. God's nature is to love me enough to carry my human nature on the cross. God's nature is to conquer death so that I may live. Who am I to embrace my nature?

I pulled out of the parking lot and toward the beautiful houses of Overland Park, Kansas. Tears could be held back no longer. I am a spoiled brat among the helpless. I want for so many things while so many want for their basic needs.

While millions of people will fill church pews tomorrow and celebrate our Saviors Resurrection in beautiful Easter clothes after getting a basket from the Easter Bunny, I wonder how many people will look at those churches and ask where this Jesus is...

"...Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40