Not Enough

Three years ago middle America looked appealing. Matthew and I had a notion that we would fit in a little better in the Midwest. We thought the cost of living would be lower. We thought the sheep would be able to run on pasture that God watered instead of the irrigation pump.  We thought it would be a safer place to raise our children. We thought it would be nice to be in an area where people had the same political beliefs that we did. We thought a lot of things about the Midwest. Mostly those things have proved erroneous.

While house prices are less here, the sheep have more than made up the difference. Parasites and the grass in our pasture are literally killing our sheep. I'm still afraid my children will get kidnapped or run over by a crazy bus driver. I didn't move to Small Town, Nowhere to have my kids go to a school where there has to be a police officer on duty. Really? That's a good thing? I'm trying to find the redemption.

What I have found is people I care about.  I've never been a people person. I don't connect easily and I despise social events. I would much rather have my nose in a good book with my music cranked up than go to a party, or, pretty much anything where people are. But apparently that is not satisfactory to God. He loves everyone. Not just the people I like to hang around with. Not just the sophisticated, not just the rednecks. Not just conservatives and not just liberals (gasp!).  I can't fathom why He would love this creation so much but I suppose that means I should too.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself  up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1

Ech. I've got a lot of work to do.

What am I doing here?

February 21, 2006, as I looked at my daughters tiny chest breathing new life with every breath, I had no doubt that God had orchestrated every moment leading up to the new journey I was about to step into. There was such promise of life under her rib cage that was wired together. I can't begin to discribe the emotions of relief and vindication. It was also humbling. The months leading up to the surgery were filled with fear and a desparate argument to God of why she should live. He gave me my heart's desire but it wasn't until I submitted my will to Him. I had to accept the fact that she may not live, but that His plan is perfect no matter how it appears to us. My life became so much better once I came to terms with this. I began to see the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 playing out..."'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Now I am sitting here in a small town in Missouri wondering what my future is. I'm blessed to be a stay at home mom and I think that's one of the most important jobs in the world. But I can't help but feeling restless. When I took a church secretary job earlier this year I think in the back of my mind I was hoping it would erase the feeling that I'm missing something. But of course it didn't. Being able to homeschool my kids is amazing and I'm mostly enjoying it. But that doesn't take away my restlessness either. It seems the feeling that there is "more" follows me wherever I go. Why is it so difficult to trust God when He's shown me over and over again that His plan is better than mine?