Butterfly Moments

I love homeschooling my kids. Love it. I look back at the few years of taking them to school and wonder how I did it. How we did it. Getting up and getting ready. Lunches. Homework. Remembering to pick them up. I realize these aren't big things and for most people it's a normal part of life. But I'm not normal and yes some days it was difficult to remember to pick them up.

I love having them home with me. We are able to learn from real life. We can read from the science book and immediately go outside and find what we just read.  Emily gives shots to the lambs and is responsible for filling the creep feeder. They may not be as "socialized" as other kids but do I really want my 9 year old daughter having a crush on Justin Bieber? Or thinking she needs to dress like Miley Cyrus to get boys attention? Or thinking that she needs to get boys attention. At all! Instead of that kind of socialization we can learn about Kony. We can save our money and donate our things for a yard sale that will help build a school in Congo. We can learn to pray for the orphans, the homeless, the babies who face death everyday. We can learn to serve the least of these.

I'm certainly not saying that there is anything wrong with kids going to school. I know how hard teachers work and how little they are thanked. I know how so many put their heart and soul into the kids only to be figuratively spit on. But this works for us. And I love it.

However even being at home has it's complications. Some days the hours steal the minutes. There is never enough time in the day. We get so busy with the sheep, the yard, the house, the meetings, the groups, that we forget to stop and breathe. My children are growing up so fast. Time hasn't slowed down since we started homeschooling. The moments slip by me sometimes. I know how fragile life is. I faced it watching Emily dying for two and a half years. I faced it when my best friend from high school died. I face it today. We take these moments for granted. What if I wake up tomorrow morning and Emily doesn't? What if Andrew doesn't? What if I don't wake up? Have I given them everything they need in life? What have I taught them?

If I answered this today honestly I would say I've taught them that doing the laundry and the dishes was more important than going on a walk with them.  That keeping the house cleaned up was more important than playing in it. I do want to teach them the importance of being responsible but more than that I want to teach them to LIVE everyday. Not just walk through life doing what you're suppose to do but to LIVE.

God didn't put us on earth to be safe and secure making sure everything is just right in our house. He didn't put us on earth to teach our kids to go to school and get a good education to get a good job so you can buy a big house you can't afford and expensive cars you don't need. Why should I teach my kids that? While being educated is important, my dream certainly isn't for my children to grow up and live the American dream. What if God wants something different for them?

I have gotten out of the habit of enjoying God's spectacular creation. The responsibilities of life get in the way of just stopping and truly seeing what God made. This morning, though, was different. As I hung up the laundry I spotted a pale blue butterfly settled on the grass. Emily and I watched it for a few minutes while it fluttered it's wings until finally it flew away. It occurred to me that those moments are what I remember from my childhood. The times when God's creation was bigger than life's expectations. I have the biggest opportunity to create more of those moments, so why am I wasting them? Wasted moments will never come again. I need to do better. I will do better.

Gift of Life

Nine years ago I was in a hospital bed, IV's coming out of my arms, monitor wrapped around my belly, so medicated I didn't comprehend the severity of the situation. My blood pressure had gone sky high with no way of controlling it. My baby, who we didn't plan for, who we were completely unprepared for, who was really an inconvenience at that time, was under stress, not growing.

After a day in a half of failure to induce a new doctor checked me over. He explained that she wasn't growing because my blood pressure was so high. They would need to do an emergency c-section.

I looked at my 4 pound 6 ounce baby and thanked God for this life I didn't realized I wanted so badly.

The next few years proved to be challenging. Not only did we not know what we were doing but add in there the fact that Emily wasn't growing like she should, her waking up every hour screaming like she was in pain and doctors telling me there was nothing wrong with her, that I just needed to feed her more and let her cry herself to sleep. It was a very lonely place. My life had gone from being inconvenienced by pregnancy to being a psychotic, angry at the world for not listening to me mother. She was all that mattered. This life I never asked for was all that mattered.

Finally, after almost 3 years of doctor after doctor telling me I was just paranoid, after almost 3 years of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time, after almost 3 years of praying to God, begging Him not to take her, we found an answer. I was not paranoid. I was not overreacting. I was not just being overprotective and coddling her. She needed open heart surgery or she would die. The cardiologist told us that it was a miracle she had lived so long.

I stepped into a journey with this unplanned child. Through her I have learned that God's plans are far better than mine. How easy it would have been when I was pregnant to do the testing. They would have told me that my child was not perfect. That there was something wrong with her heart. They would have suggested that I abort her. Their rational being that she would always have this. That there would be too much heart ache involved. Just like when my mother was pregnant with me. The doctors said she was too high risk being 35 years old. That she should abort me. That there would be something wrong with me if she gave me life.

What if I had thrown this life away because she wasn't perfect? We certainly wouldn't have to doctors bills that we have. We wouldn't have the visits to Kansas City, the worry that her pacemaker isn't working right.

We also wouldn't have a daughter. We would have an emptiness that wouldn't go away. No matter what people would say, no matter how they would justify it, that emptiness would be there.

Instead I chose to take what God gave me. My God I'm glad I did. I have been asked, if I could go back and change what had happened, would I? Absolutely not. We all have a journey through this life. We get to choose how we handle it. My choice has taught me how to LIVE. It has taught me how to LOVE. Mostly it has taught me "that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." (Romans 8:28)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

The Least of These

I spent several hours this afternoon shopping in Kansas City for stuff to put in the kids' Easter baskets. I treated myself to a Starbucks sweetened black iced tea and was enjoying driving around the city with the window's down and the wind blowing my hair, listening to Air 1. It was the perfect afternoon.

It was getting close to time for dinner so I pulled into the Hyvee to pick up some Chinese food for Matthew's grandparents. As I turned into the parking lot, there stood a man with jeans, a t-shirt and graying hair. He held a sign. "Homeless will work for food".

Everything in me wanted to drive by him. Forget him. Get on with my perfect evening.

I could not.

Oh God! I started praying. What am I suppose to do?! I'm by myself. He could be doing this for a living. How do I even know he's really homeless?

God, do you really expect me to give him something?

Yes.

So with shaky knees I picked out a box of granola bars and a bottled water. I headed for the check out. I paid and started for the car. My heart was pounding. You see, the homeless have always intimidated me. I'm terrified of rejection from these people Jesus cared so much about. I realize this makes no sense. I got in the car and could hear the Lord saying Money. Give him money.

Sigh. Really God? We don't have much of that. 

I opened my wallet to see what was left. $10. OK I could give him a five.

Give it all.

Oh Lord. you're so funny. I wont have anything left!

Give it all.

With my pulse pounding in my head I drove up to the man and rolled down the window. As I looked into this man's eyes, a man who was about my daddy's age, all fear left. I instantly wanted to tell him to get in the car and come have dinner with us. But I'm not at home and I really couldn't do that to Matthew's grandparents.

I handed him the bag with the granola bars in it and then told him that God had told me to give him this $10. He looked at the money for a moment and then back at me. He thanked me and said he would have a place to sleep tonight. The shelter charged $10.

My nature is to think this man was lying to me. Lying to everyone with his sign. I know there are people who do this for a living who make far more than Matthew does. I know there are people who are trying to steal their way through life. God's nature is to love those who are forgotten. God's nature is to love me enough to carry my human nature on the cross. God's nature is to conquer death so that I may live. Who am I to embrace my nature?

I pulled out of the parking lot and toward the beautiful houses of Overland Park, Kansas. Tears could be held back no longer. I am a spoiled brat among the helpless. I want for so many things while so many want for their basic needs.

While millions of people will fill church pews tomorrow and celebrate our Saviors Resurrection in beautiful Easter clothes after getting a basket from the Easter Bunny, I wonder how many people will look at those churches and ask where this Jesus is...

"...Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

Bah Humbug Valentines Day

Valentines Day makes me want to puke. I hate it. I don't understand why we have allowed ourselves to be sucked into such consumerism as this. I mean cards, candy, roses, (which are priced double for this special day) just to tell someone you love them? Sounds like you're telling them "Hey, here's a card that says a bunch of mushy crap so I don't have to say it with some candy that you'll eat then complain that your butt's to big with some overpriced flowers that are going to die soon. Happy Valentines Day."

No thanks.

My hatred for this day didn't start with some romance gone wrong in high school either. I've always been this special kind of girl. In fact I had a weak moment many years ago and dated a guy (boy?) who was this gross romantic type. I just threw up a little in my mouth. It didn't end well for him. Well, actually it probably did since he didn't end up with this gem. He's probably happily married to a sweet girl who likes that kind of crap. At least that's what I tell my self when I think back to our last conversation that ended with tears. His, not mine.

Romance altogether is just so overrated. At least romance in our society. I can't even watch a romance movie without laughing hysterically when the plot turns and someones heart gets broken. And then groaning loudly when the predictable end comes and the two love birds are reunited and live happily ever after. (Roll eyes here.) Come on! Murder-suicide? Shake it up a little! Pretty sure my friends who dragged me to see Titanic didn't think it was funny when I giggled at Leo gasping for his last breath. Maybe there's something wrong with me. They sat through Evita for me. Yes, I know that was kind of a romance but that's OK because it was Madonna and she died.

Matthew and I have never done Valentines Day. We've always done everyday. I don't want someone to tell me on February 14th that they love me. I want them to show me every day that they love me. I don't want someone who's capable of picking out the perfect card, I want someone who is going to hold my hand when our daughter is in open heart surgery with her ribcage wide open while her next breath relies on the heart and lung machine. I want someone who believes in me and loves me even when my ideas are crazy and completely irrational. I want someone who will do everything in his power to provide for his family knowing there are huge medical bills coming our way, even though he misses out on "fun" stuff and people think he's only working because of greed.

Today we will not be exchanging gifts. We wont go out to dinner. We wont do anything special for Valentines Day. We don't need to. Matthew shows me he loves me every day he gets up and goes to work and I sit at home in my pajamas til noon and home school the kids. Don't judge me. I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't need one day marked by hearts and roses. I have every day of my life to celebrate his love for me. If you like all the romance stuff that's super. As for me and my husband, we will continue to love each other the way it has worked for almost 12 years of marriage. (Take that people who said we were too young!) I will do what I can to make his life a little easier at home and he will surprise me by framing my signed Family Force 5 and Needtobreathe posters. And we will take our marriage vows seriously and show our children that true love is sticking together when all odds are against you.

What's in the mac & cheese?!

In a past life I recycled, bought "whole foods", ate from a garden, and limited my families sugar. And then we moved to a small town. Laziness ensued. Choices were slim. Twenty ingredients really isn't that much for a loaf of bread... right? The box of cereal says it has 27 vitamins and minerals, I can overlook the fact that it has more sugar than a candy bar.

My willingness to ignore the health of my family was recently brought into light when I came home from the grocery store, having spent too much, and realized how much boxed, bagged and canned items I was putting away. This didn't use to be my normal!! I read the ingredients on a few things that I purchased. Enriched came up a lot. Enriched with what? Sugar, high fructose corn syrup (ok, same thing), tons of things I can't pronounce, and Hydrogenated vegetable oils. That's what I'm putting into my body? That's what I'm letting my kids eat? That's what I'm allowing their little bodies to try to process? Gross.

The second unacceptable discovery was the insane amount of trash we set out by the street. We don't drink soda (or "pop" as my adorable Midwest friends say) so we don't have the aluminum factor. But the boxes and plastic bags resulting from the processed crap we just consumed filled up three trash bags in a week! I don't know, maybe that's not that much. But for me it's unacceptable.

About a year ago I got tired of paying $10 or more for a bottle or box of laundry detergent so we started making our own. That has been a huge savings financially. In the past year laundry soap has cost us around $15. That's for the whole year! And I do laundry almost every day. On top of the huge monetary savings we use a five gallon bucket for the soap. No more discarded packaging. It uses three ingredients and our clothes get clean. I wish I had discovered this years ago.

I have made a small step with the laundry soap. I want to take the next step with our food. I have to say no to all the chemically "enhanced" products and waste that goes with it.

We are coming up on Emily's 6 year "re-birthday".  Her little heart has been through a lot. I don't need to make it work harder by feeding her chemicals and upgraded sugar. She's a fairly healthy eater but it's time to re-evaluate what goes in. My goal for the grocery store this weekend will be to come home with 5 items or less that are processed. This sounds a little crazy, even to me, who now probably appears to have been raised by hippies.

My first project will be trying to replace snack foods. It's just so easy to hand out a granola bar (which is a glorified Snickers) or get a bowl of goldfish. But I'm sacrificing my children's health for my laziness. So today I will make (or attempt anyway) my own crackers and apple chips. Not to worry, I will not be donning tie-dye any time soon.

Not Enough

Three years ago middle America looked appealing. Matthew and I had a notion that we would fit in a little better in the Midwest. We thought the cost of living would be lower. We thought the sheep would be able to run on pasture that God watered instead of the irrigation pump.  We thought it would be a safer place to raise our children. We thought it would be nice to be in an area where people had the same political beliefs that we did. We thought a lot of things about the Midwest. Mostly those things have proved erroneous.

While house prices are less here, the sheep have more than made up the difference. Parasites and the grass in our pasture are literally killing our sheep. I'm still afraid my children will get kidnapped or run over by a crazy bus driver. I didn't move to Small Town, Nowhere to have my kids go to a school where there has to be a police officer on duty. Really? That's a good thing? I'm trying to find the redemption.

What I have found is people I care about.  I've never been a people person. I don't connect easily and I despise social events. I would much rather have my nose in a good book with my music cranked up than go to a party, or, pretty much anything where people are. But apparently that is not satisfactory to God. He loves everyone. Not just the people I like to hang around with. Not just the sophisticated, not just the rednecks. Not just conservatives and not just liberals (gasp!).  I can't fathom why He would love this creation so much but I suppose that means I should too.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself  up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1

Ech. I've got a lot of work to do.

What am I doing here?

February 21, 2006, as I looked at my daughters tiny chest breathing new life with every breath, I had no doubt that God had orchestrated every moment leading up to the new journey I was about to step into. There was such promise of life under her rib cage that was wired together. I can't begin to discribe the emotions of relief and vindication. It was also humbling. The months leading up to the surgery were filled with fear and a desparate argument to God of why she should live. He gave me my heart's desire but it wasn't until I submitted my will to Him. I had to accept the fact that she may not live, but that His plan is perfect no matter how it appears to us. My life became so much better once I came to terms with this. I began to see the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 playing out..."'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Now I am sitting here in a small town in Missouri wondering what my future is. I'm blessed to be a stay at home mom and I think that's one of the most important jobs in the world. But I can't help but feeling restless. When I took a church secretary job earlier this year I think in the back of my mind I was hoping it would erase the feeling that I'm missing something. But of course it didn't. Being able to homeschool my kids is amazing and I'm mostly enjoying it. But that doesn't take away my restlessness either. It seems the feeling that there is "more" follows me wherever I go. Why is it so difficult to trust God when He's shown me over and over again that His plan is better than mine?